Failing still isnt an option

Yesterday I was talked down to ... and in all honesty, I had nothing to say in my defence
If anything, I was disappointed at myself
She was my first but I failed her
The time spent over a yr and a half with me went to waste

Yesterday I reviewed my patient on the work Ive done on her
After over 18 months, her gum problem got even worse than when I first saw her
Now clearly on the Bitewings, I saw 2 massive root caries
Interestingly I just learnt about root caries a few days ago
She was a 2nd yr patient when I was in second yr
Now shes prob classified as a 4th yr patient...funny I'm in 4th yr now too
Nothing to be proud of
The sign that my treatment failed and personally, I failed as a dentist

"Whats her medical history?"
"no medical history of concern, is it?"
"astma? not recently? how recent? ur recent or my recent?"
"Aropax? what is it for? what type is it? u better go look it up"
"wheres the plaque index? I thought u said u did a full examination"
"when was the last time u took a plaque index? thats score was too high"
"that 9mm pocket is actually a 7. That 16D is 6mm"
"two hugh root caries. what does that mean? oral hygience is s**t!!"
"treat this patient as a new case. start all over again"
......utterly humiliated

Incompetent I was ...and maybe still am
Lousy work is like a time bomb, slowing ticking
Bad record keeping comes back and bites u hard...in the butt
Crappy baseline measurement will haunt u for the rest of ur career

On the bright side, I may have 2 more fillings to do and possibly 2 RCT
I really have no shame

Some day... some day I'll be one awesome dentist
Failing still isnt an option

My Thought Recycling Bin

I have this blog for roughly about 3 yrs now (through MSN space, Live Journal and currently Blogspot) and I guess I've never really explained why its called 'My Thought Recycling bin'
I started blogging in first yr uni cos it was the hype about having msn space
everybody had one so I wanted one too
It didnt take very long until I was too lazy to write anything

At one time, one of my frens pointed out why she blogs
she said that its a way of letting ppl know whats important in ur life and what have u been up to... to fill in the time gap when ur away from ur frens

I agreed with her but more importantly, I blog for myself
It gave me a surprise every times someone said "I've never seen u angry before"
bcos I'm one angry kid... at least I think its the case
I get frustrated and stressed quite easily and like what girls would do (as some may say), I often act emotionally
Anger comes easily...sometimes I really do like punching some ppl cos at times, I think they deserve it.
but I've never really been in a fight since my childhood cos the little 'sensible' part I hav always tells me that the consequence was never worth it, be it broken hands, getting expelled or whatnot
and so i appear soft
Someone suggested "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will not" but I have to say that sometimes its very testing not to punch someone after what they said to u
Like many other normal ppl, I do write as an outlet to my un-happiness
I flush the junk in my head into this 'bin'
Doesn't always fix the problem but it does help
The reason why it's a 'recycling' bin is bcos I do come back and read it again.
Reminding myself of what i did, how i felt at times and compare that to what i feel now
Its like looking at urself from a third person perspective. Something I used to feel fussy about turns out not to matter much at all
but writing that blog at the times helped me controlling myself, saving me from doing something i'll regret
Dun hav parents to look out for me anymore so have to start doing that for myself
Recently, life has been stressful in general
on a few occasions, I've become a bit 'screw-loose'
I guess I didnt have my bin nearby and the frustration was a bit overwhelming
my frens said "I've never seen u so upset like this morning before"

never? I wanted to laugh...she obviously doesnt know me well enough

Boardgames Buying List

(in order of preference)

1) Puerto Rico
2) Settlers of Catan
3) Ticket to Ride: Marklin
4) Carcassonne expansions

Supa's postulate to a good clinical life

If 4 aetiolgy to dental caries are Host, Bacteria, Diet and Time,
Then 4 "aetiology" to a good clinical life are urself, patient, demonstrator and nurses

Of course u urself hav to be in good shape in the first place
Forgeting to book the interpreter or being stoned/exhausted from the previous night activities (boardgames...dun think too much) isnt a good foundation to an enjoyable clinical session

Patients...afterall, they are who we treat
Difficult patient makes ur life hell and it might not even be intentional
some patients r just plain trouble...overly complain which leads to difficult diagnosis...always late...acted like my grandma owes them a favor or something...ungrateful
Unintentionally, their mouth can just be difficult to work on...small mouth...cheeky...very strong tongue thrust etc...
Today I scaled 2 patients...in the morning, i barely got 10 or so teeth done in 2hrs but in the afternoon i got 2 full quadrants ultrasonic and scaled in just over an hr
The second patient has easier teeth to work and very tolerant (doing subgingival scaling w/o LA). He responded to my initial OHI too, so didnt hav to clean as much plaque off

Demonstrator
They r ppl who tell u what u can or cant do
Some demos r surprisingly effective. Those ones will push u to ur limit. Those ones will make u a good dentist.
Those ones talk concisely and let u get on with ur work.
Those ones treat u like colleagues and those ones are respected
Lousy ones, ur better off not having one...fricking waste ur time
OMG...Today was the first time I almost cracked at the demostrator
I dunno what he has against me. Every time i stood and waited for him, he always go help ppl who came behind me first...every single time...then whats the fricking line for??
"ladys first"???...my ass... u go tell that to my patient who spent half an hr waiting
Its not fair for me nor my patient... is my patient less of a human than other ppl there???
hah!! and the first thing he said when he came over to my bay
"u dun bend co/cr denture with pliers"... and the idiot didnt even look at the denture first
I was bending stainless steel wire on the denture...
always talk too much...no useful comment...
Didnt come or help the whole session and had the nerve to say "where hav u been all morning"
I shouldve finished treating my patient today...in the end I barely got scaling done
Ok...sori...I needed to channel out my anger...almost smacked him today
anyway, I much prefer having Dr.Stacey or Dr.Hopcraft than this stupid idiot

And last but not least, dental nurses
u cannot underestimate the importance of having a well-trained nurse
The good ones r like extensions of ur body... significantly reduce ur working time
The lousy one slows u down, annoys the patient and me
How can they let water pooled all over the patient's mouth with highspeed suction in their hand???
Lousy nurses chat non-stop when my bay needs change-over
Lousy nurses always chart ur examination wrong...
For nurses, some ppl may say otherwise but my general rule is, the older the better

Call me crazy

Just when u thought ur happy and perfectly normal, theres this annoying feeling that keeps coming back to remind that theres something a bit funny/crazy about u

My dent frens may say that its an intermittent condition which is aggrevated by events when i lose objects I'd come to feel attached to

Yesterday i lost a pen...A PEN!!! Its not like i dun hav any other pens. i just like that particular one so much its obsessive. I had it around my neck pretty much the whole week...if ppl noticed. I couldnt rememeber how i got it but it was the best pen i'd used in a long while, even better than my other $30-$40 pen. My fren borrowed it and i forgot to get it back...there, i lost it forever

every single times that happens, I always hav that same wish that i may possess a gadget which tells me the exact location of the object at that point in time. can be anywhere...as long as i know...ill go find it

It can be quite unhealthy sometimes when ur too attached to objects. once i'm comfortable with something or some ideas, i just keep using it or doing it the same way.
Its unlikely for me to change. maybe it has to do with me being picky...spending too much time picking things out and therefore im simply tired of going through it all again. once the decision is made...i stick to it

I'm stubborn, inflexible, attached, possessive, obsessive, fix minded...whatever u wanna call it
The fact that i spent over 2 hrs of my perfect little hard-to-find afternoon off to go and look for this specific PEN at various stationery shops (unsuccessfully by the way) prob tells how badly im attached to this pen
...and guess what... im still writing blog about it

maybe ...just maybe... its been sitting in my bag all this time...ill go check
nope..not there..
I'm really going crazy

P.S. Found it ...lost it again...im just an idiot but at least now i know it was FX speed 0.7